April. It's April. It's April?!
I've been rather quiet lately and I promise, it's not for lack of dedication. Working full-time, doing school half-time and trying to be somewhat of a semblance of a normal, well-adjusted person just doesn't leave a lot of time for the things I love to do - like blog. I've been wanting to write posts, itching to write them, but over the past few months I have sensed God calling me to focus more on some things developing "behind the scenes" so to speak. But alas, I have been far too absent. I decided today that even if I don't have time to come up with brilliant, provocative, encouraging, inspiring posts, I must post nonetheless and tell you what things are happening. And so, the "What's Happening" post strikes again.
First, readership is growing. Weird, seeing as how I haven't been writing. But hey, I'll take it. I'm glad you are all reading, and I'm glad you're telling your friends to read too. Keep doing that! I hope that somehow my words encourage you, bring you hope, or inspire you to reach to someone you didn't know how to reach to before, or open your heart to someone who is worthy of your trust.
Second, though I haven't been writing on here very much, I have been writing. I am in the throes of developing seminars for churches and faith organizations (especially traditional evangelical organizations with a traditional view of the Scriptures that address homosexuality). The topic would be basic training and education on how to go about engaging the LGBT community in a way that is loving and serving, without feeling the need to sacrifice convictions. I'm not sure what this is going to look like in the end. I've completed a very rough draft at this point and it looks to be somewhere around 2.5 hours of teaching and I'm still filling in the holes. There's still much work to do and I am considering creating a much smaller version (perhaps an hour-ish in length) to share with some churches first. Then, everyone who says, "Hey that chick has something worthwhile to share and I wanna know more" can come to the super-awesome half-day seminar (or, the way it's going, it may end up being a whole-day seminar) that will be more in depth. Or something like that. Who knows? It is my hope though, to start teaching this stuff within the next month or two. So, if you know a church or faith organization that wants some training on how to engage the LGBT community, well, tell them wonderful things about me. And then contact me and give me their information.
Third, I have been reading and researching, as always. Right now I am reading Andrew Marin's "Love is an Orientation" book for the second time. The first time I read it, I was getting educated. That was 2 years ago. This second time that I'm working through it is different. I find myself relating to the stories he shares and saying, "Yeah, I've met people like this with similar stories." I find myself relating to his story more personally as well, having now personally encountered some of the same challenges and obstacles that he mentions. It really is a must-read for any evangelical Christian who wants to understand how to build friendships with those in the LGBT community. A warning though - it will break your heart and change you forever. Beware.
I've also been reading lots of other books and articles on the therapy options available for those who are experiencing difficulty coming to terms with their same-sex attraction. This has been...interesting. The range of emotions that I experience while reading about the options available is, well...diverse. I travel from totally infuriated to totally hopeful in a matter of minutes sometimes. I can't help but get really "mama-bear-ish" when I read about the ways people have suffered spiritual abuse at the hands of well-intentioned, poorly qualified/educated Christians who have not dealt with the issue ethically, appropriately, or compassionately. And yes, by "mama-bear-ish" I mean, "I will growl at you and destroy you if you try that again on someone I love. (Growl growl. Bare my teeth!)"
The good news is that there are some good things out there and I have particularly been enjoying reading about Sexual Identity Therapy, which is actual therapy (counseling by a mental health professional) and is gaining some endorsement by key members of the American Psychological Association. Rather than seeking to change orientation, it provides a supportive and encouraging environment for clients who are experiencing difficulty integrating their religious values with their sexual identity. It creates space for the client to determine their values, and for the therapist to assist the client in reaching congruence between his/her values and his/her sexuality. If you want to know more, you can read more here: http://tinyurl.com/3qwe6f2. Ideally, I'd really like to write an article (or perhaps a book someday) on the implications (ethical, moral, spiritual, and social) of the various forms of therapy available for those encountering same-sex attraction, and offer critique of the various organizations offering the different models, their measures of efficacy, etc. But, that's for another day, or probably, another year. Oh pipe dreams!
One other thing I have been doing is intentionally building relationships. I've been meeting with people at my Seminary and the University across the street, in hopes of garnering support for some of the events I have in the works. One of the things I'm working towards is starting a small-group to discuss topics of faith and sexual orientation in a non-threatening way. I want to get this started asap but we are still seeking the right venue to hold it at - a place where people from the college, the seminary, and the community at large can all feel comfortable coming somewhat anonymously. Additionally, I'm hoping that I can advertise the event on both campuses, but will need to go through the proper channels to get that approved, which could take some time.
I've also been immersing myself in the LGBT community, attending LGBT events, etc. here in Lexington to build new relationships. I went to a drag show a few weeks ago with my husband and a friend of his from work. It was not my first time seeing drag, but it was my first time sitting through an entire show, which was a good experience. We went because one of our friends was performing. I know it meant a lot to him that we came. I also was thrilled to have the opportunity to visit the local LGBT support group in Lexington. I got to make some new friends, which is always wonderful. I was grateful for how welcoming and friendly they were to the one straight girl in the room!
Lastly, I am working towards a presence at the Lexington Pride festival. I am going outside of my skin with excitement. I'd really like to have a booth where we offer apologies for how the church has hurt the LGBT community and hand out free food/drinks to bless and serve those that are at the event. My goal is to show them that, despite the ugly signs and protesters, God doesn't hate them, he actually thinks they're pretty amazing.
So, that is what is UP. Whew, I'm worn out just re-counting all of that. Please be praying! There is much that is 'in the works' right now and my prayer is that God would bring it all to fruition in His timing. It has been really neat to see how God is bringing together a group of people around me who are equally excited and dedicated to building these safe environments to discuss faith and sexual orientation. I can't wait to see what happens next! Until next time....LOVE BOLDLY.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Healing
This post has absolutely nothing to do with sexual orientation. But it has everything to do with faith. I didn't mean to write this - it happened by accident. I was supposed to write a 2 page paper on how I was going to work on my healing and spiritual growth. Instead, this is what came out of me - a 3 page paper on how God has worked on my healing and spiritual growth. My last post was on brokenness. I felt like this story about healing would be a good follow-up. To be honest, I hesitated to post it here. But I want us to be able to talk about things that are important to us - and sometimes that just deals with life in general. I hope you gain hope, strength, and belief from my story - no matter what part of the story you find yourself in. So without further ado, here it is, a story of healing:
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In the midst of pain and brokenness, all you can think to do is to beg God for relief, to plead with him to take it away, and to implore him to bring you the healing that you so desperately need. You lay there, in the battlefield, as gunshots ring around you, totally wounded and destroyed, completely unable to move, watching as you bleed uncontrollably, and you call out to him, “Lord, where are you? What did I do to deserve this? Help me here! I’m dying. Come to my rescue!”
He is silent. You are bleeding out. Confusion sets in. You start hallucinating, seeing and hearing things that aren’t real. Your mind is shutting down. You are dying, and you know it. And you wonder where He has gone, when you need him the most.
And then it happens. Suddenly He arrives. He sweeps in. There’s a faint recognition that he is speaking as he tends to you, but you can’t hear him. You’re losing consciousness and everything is echoing and overlapping now. His lips are moving but you can’t understand the words. Nothing is registering. You are blank, blank, blank.
Suddenly, you are awakened, jolted. You can feel again. PAIN. It courses through your body - excruciating pain, as he scrapes clean your wounds and dresses them. Adrenaline kicks in and anger overcomes you. You lunge at him. You punch and kick and scream and claw at him, demanding him to stop, begging him to leave. Crying and screaming you unleash yourself at him, “What kind of a God are you anyway, that shows up at the last minute, only to deliver more pain? You could have saved me long ago, before things got this bad. It’s to late now and the pain is to great – just leave me alone. Just let me die!“ But he has already finished it – the healing balm is in place now. And in His great mercy, he releases you from his hold, though not from his gaze. Gently he lays you down. He sets you in a safe place and sits back, waiting for the process to complete. He waits at a distance, because He knows you are suffering in your hurt, and anger, and violation. He knows you can’t bear his presence because it is a reminder of the pain, it is a reminder of all the moments He wasn’t there. He waits, patiently. And you lay there, weeping and crying, miserable, utterly alone, wishing for it all to end.
But it doesn’t. Now and again, He sweeps in, so swiftly and lightly that you don’t even notice it, to redress your wounds, quickly, deftly. He withdraws again, just enough for you to feel safe, but close enough to watch over you. Time passes. The balm is working. “Maybe I’m going to recover,” you think. And then, without hesitation, “No, surely not. This is the end of things.” You glance over at him, furtively. You can’t fool him. He scoots in closer. You wonder if you dare look again. When it seems He is distracted, you venture a longer scrutinizing look, you’re watching skeptically, untrustingly, examining his every move. He catches you. He moves in closer. You’re not sure when or how it happens, but eventually you realize He is sitting right next to you. You can feel his presence now. You feel his warmth, and his breath and his power, like an invisible force field pulsing around you. You are compelled. Strong enough now, you sit up. You turn to Him. You are gazing at Him now. You can’t help yourself. “He’s beautiful.” you think to yourself.
You sit there together, cross-legged, knees touching, looking at each other, face-to-face, gazing into each other’s eyes. Silently you fight him, but you can’t help it. You lose yourself in Him. A rush of strength you have never known rips free inside of you. Something has changed. It is mounting - something terrible is about to happen, you can feel it. But you are glued to him – you cannot break His gaze. And suddenly it happens – you feel the explosion tear through you as the force of His goodness shatters everything. You are crushed.
You don’t remember moving but suddenly you are on you’re your knees, face to the dirt, before Him. His gaze has destroyed your defenses. Gut-wrenching sobs pour out of your mouth, your heart, your soul. “What have I done to deserve such a mercy as this? Why has he risked everything for me, coming into the battlefield, sacrificing himself? For me? For my rescue? His divine hands are stained with my blood. Why would he dirty himself for me? I screamed and swore and told him to go away. He came to me and he touched me and he healed me. What have I done to deserve his love, his favor, his kindness?”
You want to die anew. You want to kill everything bad inside of you. The gratitude, the indebtedness you feel, is overwhelming. There is nothing you can do to repay such a debt, to right the injustice of the mercy he has delivered. You sit at his feet, weeping, weeping, weeping as it sets in – he did this for you, with what benefit to Himself? He didn’t have to. He shouldn’t have wanted to. But he did, he did, he did. He did it, he wanted to, he was delighted to. And there are no words left – absolutely none. Only tears.
He was. He is. He is to come. Holy and anointed one of God, he shed His blood for me, for you, for us - a broken, wounded, confused people. He stained his hands with my blood as he healed my wounds. Mercifully, graciously, tenderly he dealt with me. Faithfully, carefully, deliberately he delivered his presence to me. Humbly, devotedly, resolutely I am compelled by his great mercy to serve Him now and forever.
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So what about you? What part of the story are you in? Take faith, and hope, and courage. He is still working. He is still present. He is still good.
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In the midst of pain and brokenness, all you can think to do is to beg God for relief, to plead with him to take it away, and to implore him to bring you the healing that you so desperately need. You lay there, in the battlefield, as gunshots ring around you, totally wounded and destroyed, completely unable to move, watching as you bleed uncontrollably, and you call out to him, “Lord, where are you? What did I do to deserve this? Help me here! I’m dying. Come to my rescue!”
He is silent. You are bleeding out. Confusion sets in. You start hallucinating, seeing and hearing things that aren’t real. Your mind is shutting down. You are dying, and you know it. And you wonder where He has gone, when you need him the most.
And then it happens. Suddenly He arrives. He sweeps in. There’s a faint recognition that he is speaking as he tends to you, but you can’t hear him. You’re losing consciousness and everything is echoing and overlapping now. His lips are moving but you can’t understand the words. Nothing is registering. You are blank, blank, blank.
Suddenly, you are awakened, jolted. You can feel again. PAIN. It courses through your body - excruciating pain, as he scrapes clean your wounds and dresses them. Adrenaline kicks in and anger overcomes you. You lunge at him. You punch and kick and scream and claw at him, demanding him to stop, begging him to leave. Crying and screaming you unleash yourself at him, “What kind of a God are you anyway, that shows up at the last minute, only to deliver more pain? You could have saved me long ago, before things got this bad. It’s to late now and the pain is to great – just leave me alone. Just let me die!“ But he has already finished it – the healing balm is in place now. And in His great mercy, he releases you from his hold, though not from his gaze. Gently he lays you down. He sets you in a safe place and sits back, waiting for the process to complete. He waits at a distance, because He knows you are suffering in your hurt, and anger, and violation. He knows you can’t bear his presence because it is a reminder of the pain, it is a reminder of all the moments He wasn’t there. He waits, patiently. And you lay there, weeping and crying, miserable, utterly alone, wishing for it all to end.
But it doesn’t. Now and again, He sweeps in, so swiftly and lightly that you don’t even notice it, to redress your wounds, quickly, deftly. He withdraws again, just enough for you to feel safe, but close enough to watch over you. Time passes. The balm is working. “Maybe I’m going to recover,” you think. And then, without hesitation, “No, surely not. This is the end of things.” You glance over at him, furtively. You can’t fool him. He scoots in closer. You wonder if you dare look again. When it seems He is distracted, you venture a longer scrutinizing look, you’re watching skeptically, untrustingly, examining his every move. He catches you. He moves in closer. You’re not sure when or how it happens, but eventually you realize He is sitting right next to you. You can feel his presence now. You feel his warmth, and his breath and his power, like an invisible force field pulsing around you. You are compelled. Strong enough now, you sit up. You turn to Him. You are gazing at Him now. You can’t help yourself. “He’s beautiful.” you think to yourself.
You sit there together, cross-legged, knees touching, looking at each other, face-to-face, gazing into each other’s eyes. Silently you fight him, but you can’t help it. You lose yourself in Him. A rush of strength you have never known rips free inside of you. Something has changed. It is mounting - something terrible is about to happen, you can feel it. But you are glued to him – you cannot break His gaze. And suddenly it happens – you feel the explosion tear through you as the force of His goodness shatters everything. You are crushed.
You don’t remember moving but suddenly you are on you’re your knees, face to the dirt, before Him. His gaze has destroyed your defenses. Gut-wrenching sobs pour out of your mouth, your heart, your soul. “What have I done to deserve such a mercy as this? Why has he risked everything for me, coming into the battlefield, sacrificing himself? For me? For my rescue? His divine hands are stained with my blood. Why would he dirty himself for me? I screamed and swore and told him to go away. He came to me and he touched me and he healed me. What have I done to deserve his love, his favor, his kindness?”
You want to die anew. You want to kill everything bad inside of you. The gratitude, the indebtedness you feel, is overwhelming. There is nothing you can do to repay such a debt, to right the injustice of the mercy he has delivered. You sit at his feet, weeping, weeping, weeping as it sets in – he did this for you, with what benefit to Himself? He didn’t have to. He shouldn’t have wanted to. But he did, he did, he did. He did it, he wanted to, he was delighted to. And there are no words left – absolutely none. Only tears.
He was. He is. He is to come. Holy and anointed one of God, he shed His blood for me, for you, for us - a broken, wounded, confused people. He stained his hands with my blood as he healed my wounds. Mercifully, graciously, tenderly he dealt with me. Faithfully, carefully, deliberately he delivered his presence to me. Humbly, devotedly, resolutely I am compelled by his great mercy to serve Him now and forever.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So what about you? What part of the story are you in? Take faith, and hope, and courage. He is still working. He is still present. He is still good.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Brokenness
"Broken" is a word that is often used, particularly by evangelical straight Christians, to describe the LGBT community. What do evangelical Christians mean when they call gays "broken"? How does the LGBT community feel about being called "broken"? And what does God say about this issue of brokenness?
It's been my experience that the word "broken" is used to describe the LGBT community for several reasons. Some might use the word "broken" because they believe there is something wrong with a person who experiences same-sex attraction. Many evangelical Christians believe that anyone who is LGBT must have experienced sexual abuse at some point in his/her life, or perhaps a distant relationship with one/both of his/her parents, or some other trauma that has occurred that has caused the same-sex attraction. Other people may use the word "broken" to describe the LGBT community because of the false belief that a person with same-sex attraction inevitably is characterized by alcohol, drug, and/or sex addictions, casual sex and promiscuity, and other illegal and unhealthy behaviors. And some just say it because they believe that same-sex attraction is a sin and a sign of separation from God. Along with this "brokenness" people say that LGBT individuals need "healing", insinuating that there is something inherently wrong or wounded about them. Unfortunately, this type of language goes a long way towards making those within the LGBT community feel shamed and demeaned.
There is nothing offensive to me about maintaining and asserting conviction on sexual morality/ethics - I think it extremely important to have a firm grasp on the topic. What troubles me however is that when I hear language like this, I sense an undertone of condescension paired with an undergirding belief that people who experience same-sex attraction are inferior. And truly, who wouldn't feel patronized by a perfect stranger telling you that you are "broken" and "need healing"?
With that said, I don't know that I can fairly respond to the accuracy of the stereotypes I've listed above because it demands some scholarly citation and unfortunately, I just don't have the time to do it justice at this point. But I will say that if you've done your research, and if you've talked with people who are part of the LGBT community, you will see that there are some individuals that reinforce the stereotypes, and there are others who don't. In fact, I think many evangelical Christians would be truly surprised by the number that do not. If you could meet the people I know, you would know that there are many good-hearted, moral, relationally-gifted people who experience same-sex attraction and who identify as part of the LGBT community. And some of them even love, follow, and serve Jesus daily. So in response to the stereotypes I will say this - yes, there are some people who are responsible for them, but it is only fair to note that there are also many "heterosexuals" who are characterized by alcohol, drug, and sex addictions, casual sex and promiscuity, and other illegal and unhealthy behaviors. A person's orientation does not indicate the extent of his/her morality or religious commitment.
But let's get back to the topic at hand - what can we make of this term - "broken"? As I said before, I find it harmful to call a person "broken" (really, it feels like name-calling to me), yet at the same time, I am struck by this term because it is the very word I so often use to describe myself. The truth is we are all hot messes! I think it would be best if we would all just own up to it and admit that we know what it feels like to experience pain that forever alters us. While I don't think it's helpful to call each other broken, I do think it's important to realize our own brokenness. At the core of our humanness, there is a profound longing to belong, to be loved, to be known, and to feel presence in our most desperate and ugly moments. We all have had moments where we've sat in unspeakable pain, hiding our shame, suffering quietly with our debilitating depression, feelings of failure, and crushing emptiness. We force our fingers down our throats so we will feel lovable and in control again, we cut ourselves because we feel we deserve the pain, we bury our pain and lonliness in an addiction – to a drug, to a bottle, to a relationship. We make our schedules full so we will feel important. We stifle our pain and we disguise it so everyone will see our perfect life, our perfect family, our perfect 5-year plan. Someone asks us how we are doing – we say “fine!” Someone asks us what is new – we say “not much really!”
What a mess we all are! Let’s face it – we are all broken! It is part of the human condition. If any of you are not "broken" you have not lived. We all want someone to break through all the JUNK for us, to rescue us and tell us to stop hurting ourselves, tell us we are worthwhile, tell us they won’t leave us like everyone else has. We all want someone to believe in us when we don’t believe in ourselves anymore, someone to reach to us when we feel completely lost and alone, someone who will chase after us even while we run away, someone to call our bluff when we pretend we’re fine, someone to break through the walls we keep constructing at the smallest inkling of a threat. We long for someone to pledge to us their presence, their unconditional love, their reckless pursuit of us.
Broken.
Broken.
Broken.
We are all broken.
The good news is that there is an answer. True communion with God and with each other will restore our hearts, our communities, our churches, and our world. It will be hard to achieve and it requires us to listen, respond, risk, and grow – but it’s worth it. It is in our communion with one another that we experience an incarnational form of love that God offers us. It is powerful, healing, restorative, and transformational. Instead of calling one another "broken" let's live with each other in our pain, realizing that none of us fully understand how to be like Him, or how to receive the belonging and fellowship that he has to offer us. And yet, somehow in community with one another, we experience glimpses of the perfect oneness that God wants us to have with him. This kind of communion is threatening, and challenging, and difficult, and terrifying. But it is the hope we hold to in the midst of our brokenness. It is the hope we land in when we come to the end of ourselves and when we see that there is no more we can do, no further effort we can make, no further clarity we can gain, no further strength we can muster. It happens when He sweeps in and reminds us that we don't need to try to fix things, because he already has. We can rest our brokenness in Him.
For some, the process of reconciling faith and same-sex attraction is one of those dark hidden places, a process laced with deep confusion, paralyzing fear, heart-breaking rejection, overwhelming conflicting voices, and severe pain. When we see a person going through a time like this, we ought to remember the pains we have experienced, and the need we have had for the presence and strength of God, and of others, to pull us through. May we never waste a pain! May our brokenness allow us to comfort one another with new depth and sincerity. And may we find our strength in Him when we realize there is none left in ourselves. If we can remember these things, we will seize the opportunity to become incarnational to one another in the midst of our great pain, as God calls us to.
2 Corinthians 1:3-5
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.
I'd like to close by living up to the challenge I have just issued to you. I have been in a lot of pain over the past several years, and God has at times felt completely distant. He is faithful though, and he is the only one who can bring me the healing I need. Over the past two weeks, I have been meditating on a passage that Brother Lawrence, a great Father of our faith, wrote in his "The Practice of the Presence of God" It speaks to the brokenness in me, and I pray that it will speak to your area of brokenness as well. He says:
"I imagine myself as the most wretched of all, full of sores and sins, and one who has committed all sorts of crimes against his king. Feeling a deep sorrow, I confess to him all of my sins, I ask his forgiveness, and I abandon myself into his hands so that he may do with me what he pleases. This king, full of mercy and goodness, very far from chastening me, embraces me with love, invites me to feast at his table, serves me with his own hands, and gives me the key to his treasures. He converses with me, and takes delight in me, and treats me as if I were his favorite."
Remember today, that this King is full of mercy and goodness, and very far from chastening you, he delights in you, as if you were his favorite.
Much love.
It's been my experience that the word "broken" is used to describe the LGBT community for several reasons. Some might use the word "broken" because they believe there is something wrong with a person who experiences same-sex attraction. Many evangelical Christians believe that anyone who is LGBT must have experienced sexual abuse at some point in his/her life, or perhaps a distant relationship with one/both of his/her parents, or some other trauma that has occurred that has caused the same-sex attraction. Other people may use the word "broken" to describe the LGBT community because of the false belief that a person with same-sex attraction inevitably is characterized by alcohol, drug, and/or sex addictions, casual sex and promiscuity, and other illegal and unhealthy behaviors. And some just say it because they believe that same-sex attraction is a sin and a sign of separation from God. Along with this "brokenness" people say that LGBT individuals need "healing", insinuating that there is something inherently wrong or wounded about them. Unfortunately, this type of language goes a long way towards making those within the LGBT community feel shamed and demeaned.
There is nothing offensive to me about maintaining and asserting conviction on sexual morality/ethics - I think it extremely important to have a firm grasp on the topic. What troubles me however is that when I hear language like this, I sense an undertone of condescension paired with an undergirding belief that people who experience same-sex attraction are inferior. And truly, who wouldn't feel patronized by a perfect stranger telling you that you are "broken" and "need healing"?
With that said, I don't know that I can fairly respond to the accuracy of the stereotypes I've listed above because it demands some scholarly citation and unfortunately, I just don't have the time to do it justice at this point. But I will say that if you've done your research, and if you've talked with people who are part of the LGBT community, you will see that there are some individuals that reinforce the stereotypes, and there are others who don't. In fact, I think many evangelical Christians would be truly surprised by the number that do not. If you could meet the people I know, you would know that there are many good-hearted, moral, relationally-gifted people who experience same-sex attraction and who identify as part of the LGBT community. And some of them even love, follow, and serve Jesus daily. So in response to the stereotypes I will say this - yes, there are some people who are responsible for them, but it is only fair to note that there are also many "heterosexuals" who are characterized by alcohol, drug, and sex addictions, casual sex and promiscuity, and other illegal and unhealthy behaviors. A person's orientation does not indicate the extent of his/her morality or religious commitment.
But let's get back to the topic at hand - what can we make of this term - "broken"? As I said before, I find it harmful to call a person "broken" (really, it feels like name-calling to me), yet at the same time, I am struck by this term because it is the very word I so often use to describe myself. The truth is we are all hot messes! I think it would be best if we would all just own up to it and admit that we know what it feels like to experience pain that forever alters us. While I don't think it's helpful to call each other broken, I do think it's important to realize our own brokenness. At the core of our humanness, there is a profound longing to belong, to be loved, to be known, and to feel presence in our most desperate and ugly moments. We all have had moments where we've sat in unspeakable pain, hiding our shame, suffering quietly with our debilitating depression, feelings of failure, and crushing emptiness. We force our fingers down our throats so we will feel lovable and in control again, we cut ourselves because we feel we deserve the pain, we bury our pain and lonliness in an addiction – to a drug, to a bottle, to a relationship. We make our schedules full so we will feel important. We stifle our pain and we disguise it so everyone will see our perfect life, our perfect family, our perfect 5-year plan. Someone asks us how we are doing – we say “fine!” Someone asks us what is new – we say “not much really!”
What a mess we all are! Let’s face it – we are all broken! It is part of the human condition. If any of you are not "broken" you have not lived. We all want someone to break through all the JUNK for us, to rescue us and tell us to stop hurting ourselves, tell us we are worthwhile, tell us they won’t leave us like everyone else has. We all want someone to believe in us when we don’t believe in ourselves anymore, someone to reach to us when we feel completely lost and alone, someone who will chase after us even while we run away, someone to call our bluff when we pretend we’re fine, someone to break through the walls we keep constructing at the smallest inkling of a threat. We long for someone to pledge to us their presence, their unconditional love, their reckless pursuit of us.
Broken.
Broken.
Broken.
We are all broken.
The good news is that there is an answer. True communion with God and with each other will restore our hearts, our communities, our churches, and our world. It will be hard to achieve and it requires us to listen, respond, risk, and grow – but it’s worth it. It is in our communion with one another that we experience an incarnational form of love that God offers us. It is powerful, healing, restorative, and transformational. Instead of calling one another "broken" let's live with each other in our pain, realizing that none of us fully understand how to be like Him, or how to receive the belonging and fellowship that he has to offer us. And yet, somehow in community with one another, we experience glimpses of the perfect oneness that God wants us to have with him. This kind of communion is threatening, and challenging, and difficult, and terrifying. But it is the hope we hold to in the midst of our brokenness. It is the hope we land in when we come to the end of ourselves and when we see that there is no more we can do, no further effort we can make, no further clarity we can gain, no further strength we can muster. It happens when He sweeps in and reminds us that we don't need to try to fix things, because he already has. We can rest our brokenness in Him.
For some, the process of reconciling faith and same-sex attraction is one of those dark hidden places, a process laced with deep confusion, paralyzing fear, heart-breaking rejection, overwhelming conflicting voices, and severe pain. When we see a person going through a time like this, we ought to remember the pains we have experienced, and the need we have had for the presence and strength of God, and of others, to pull us through. May we never waste a pain! May our brokenness allow us to comfort one another with new depth and sincerity. And may we find our strength in Him when we realize there is none left in ourselves. If we can remember these things, we will seize the opportunity to become incarnational to one another in the midst of our great pain, as God calls us to.
2 Corinthians 1:3-5
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.
I'd like to close by living up to the challenge I have just issued to you. I have been in a lot of pain over the past several years, and God has at times felt completely distant. He is faithful though, and he is the only one who can bring me the healing I need. Over the past two weeks, I have been meditating on a passage that Brother Lawrence, a great Father of our faith, wrote in his "The Practice of the Presence of God" It speaks to the brokenness in me, and I pray that it will speak to your area of brokenness as well. He says:
"I imagine myself as the most wretched of all, full of sores and sins, and one who has committed all sorts of crimes against his king. Feeling a deep sorrow, I confess to him all of my sins, I ask his forgiveness, and I abandon myself into his hands so that he may do with me what he pleases. This king, full of mercy and goodness, very far from chastening me, embraces me with love, invites me to feast at his table, serves me with his own hands, and gives me the key to his treasures. He converses with me, and takes delight in me, and treats me as if I were his favorite."
Remember today, that this King is full of mercy and goodness, and very far from chastening you, he delights in you, as if you were his favorite.
Much love.
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