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Tuesday, December 13, 2011

My Story (Good, Bad, and Ugly)

Sometimes I cry in movies. Tonight I saw “The Help”.  I didn’t cry.  I sat in that movie theater and I sobbed, the tears rolling quietly down my cheeks, in a nearly empty theater, thankful for the dark that enshrouded me.  It wasn’t the characters or the storytelling.  It was so much more.  And it's time to tell my story.

My husband left me exactly 7 months ago today.  He told me by text message that he was moving out one day while I was at work.  There was no goodbye.  There was just me, falling to the floor of an empty seminary office, digging my fingers into the carpet to try to grasp onto something that wouldn’t move.  There was just me wondering where the tears were coming from when I couldn’t even feel myself crying.  My whole world fell apart.  One day you’re moving along as if everything is okay, the next, your legs go out from under you.  You become unusually acquainted with the floor – the floor of your bedroom, your bathroom, your living room, your kitchen, the laundry room, your closet, your shower, your office.  The agony keeps pushing down so heavily on you that you just keep ending up at the lowest place in the room. You spend so much time just trying to pick yourself up off of it.

Suddenly, tying your shoes feels overwhelming.  You can’t stand, you can’t eat, you can’t get out of bed, you can’t write, you can’t think, you can’t see straight.  All you can feel is shock.  And numb. You look at your friends blankly, as if they’ve lost their minds when they want to know how you feel. “Am I supposed to feel something?  How can I feel something?  I can’t think or breathe or even get dressed in the morning. I’m supposed to feel something and I can’t…what’s wrong with me???!!!”  Everything is wrong. 

And damn, when the numb wears off, DAMN. All you can feel is crushing, overwhelming agony.  You stare blankly at your computer screen at work.  You try to care about something, anything, but you don’t. Waterproof mascara?  Total bullshit.  You wonder why you bother to even put it on when it all ends up in puddles you’ve soaked up with carefully dabbed tissues.  You dab with the tissues at your tears so that your makeup doesn’t run.  You don’t want everyone at work to think you’ve lost your mind after your third breakdown that day.  But you have.  And you’ve lost everything else too.  You’ve lost things like trust, dignity, respect, promises, hopes and dreams, and most of all, the person you’ve built everything around.  Every morning you wake up and your first thought is “12 more hours until I can go to sleep and be unconscious again.”  The pain is unbearable.  Sleep is no better.  When it finally comes, you dream that your waking hours are the dream and that your dreams are your reality, where things are normal and make sense again, where you turn over in the middle of the night and your husband is still next to you, where you come home at the end of the day and he is there.  Waking is disappointing.

My husband left.  And I didn’t pick up a pen to write for a long time.  All inspiration was gone.

Why am I telling you this?  What would possess me to share with such vulnerability, the journey I've been on these last months?  I'll tell you.  Many of you have felt these same things.  Many of you need to know that you're not alone in your pain, that someone else has been there, done that, experienced something akin to the hell you're in, and is day by day, making it out alive.  If my story can make one person feel less alone, it's worth sharing.

I know what it feels like to lose faith in something you’ve built your life around.  I know what it’s like to feel helpless to change a situation so you will no longer be rejected.  I know what it’s like to be discarded and betrayed by someone who was supposed to always have your back.  I know what it’s like to be afraid to trust again.  Sometimes I wonder how all the pieces will come back together again.  Sometimes?  Always.  Always I wonder that.

Some of you have lost all your hope and faith in the church, maybe in God, or at least in certain people, because of how you’ve been treated.  You’ve lost all the trust you ever had in an institution (the church) that was supposed to be a place of haven through the hard times.  You feel rejected over something you can’t change, hard as you try.  You’ve been cast aside by the people who were supposed to love you the most – your families, your moms and dads and grandparents, your friends, your churches.  You’re afraid to trust that a Christian will ever really look out for your best again.

I haven’t walked a mile in your shoes – I don’t know what it’s like.  But I can imagine, more so now than ever, the pain that you feel.  It’s not fair.  When you’ve done nothing to deserve the hardship, confusion, pain, and rejection, it’s not fair.  When you pour out your life in service to another, or in service to God, and your reward is to be discarded and rejected, it’s not fair.  You may wonder if you will ever again feel at peace with yourself and with the world around you.  You may wonder if you will survive.  You may wonder why the hell you have to go through this.  You may wonder where God has gone.  And you may not find many good answers – or at least, none that will satisfy the depth of pain that causes you to ask the questions in the first place.

I went to the movie theater tonight because I made myself a promise several months ago.  I promised to go see a movie by myself.  It’s one of those things you do, I suppose, when you want to know you can be alone and still be okay.  I think I’m doing pretty well with being both – alone and okay.  This is entirely thanks to the massive outpouring of love and healing that God has overwhelmed me with these past months.  I have nothing but praise for Him on my lips.  He is good.  And for tonight, at least, I had a victory.  Little victories like the one I had tonight stay with you forever when you’re fighting a war as big as the one I’m fighting.  They pull you through the shittiest of days.  In the meantime though, you might find yourself crying your eyes out in the middle of an empty movie theater. 

Suddenly, all the pain in the world feels so real and close and understandable and tangible to me.  It’s not about what I’m going through – it’s an understanding that SO MANY are going through the same awful shit.  I sat in that movie theater and cried because I heard the stories of my LGBT friends at every turn in the accounts of abuse, mistreatment, disdain, and disgust from those of us who think we know the “Christian” way to help, or instruct, or lead the “lesser” among us.  I cried because I want to be like that main character. She didn’t have time to worry about what she stood to lose - she was singularly driven by what others stood to gain.  She was focused on what was important – giving voice to those who had been abused, silenced, and mistreated. She knew that, at the end of the day, the only thing that matters to someone who is in agony is whether or not you’ll hold their hand through it, and fight their battles for and with them.

I am so thankful for those who have held my hand through it, and fought my battles for and with me.  I owe my life to those people.  There’s no way to repay that.  The only thing I know to do is to be that level of “good” to those around me.  I want to take every risk necessary to tell people’s stories.  Big things can happen when we listen to each other’s hearts for the first time and realize together that neither of us knows what the shit to do to make it better.  In those moments at least, we know that we’re not in it alone.  Being helpless is a sacred thing.  When we realize that we have reached the end of ourselves and we still don’t have an answer, we turn to the only One is big enough to solve the dilemma. He’s the one that gives me hope and strength on the worst days.

My pastor preaches with stunning conviction, strength, truth, and grace every Sunday. I was undone this week by his words.  “Out of your shattered life can come more than you ever expected, because it doesn’t depend on you.  God will not allow defeat to occur, if you are willing to fall down before Him.  Life will come forth, not because you can call it forth, but because He can, and will.  And he will yield in you the greatest fruit your life has ever seen.”

God redeems all things.  He turns the wounded into the healers. It is out of Christ’s woundedness, suffering, and brokenness that we have a God who both empathizes with our broken condition, and has simultaneously redeemed it. His wounds provided for our healing. His suffering provided for our comfort. His death provided for our life. As an act of obedience, I am compelled to turn my own wounds, sufferings, and death into healing, comfort, and life for my brothers and sisters in the same way that Christ turned His into such a means of redemption for us. God’s Kingdom is one in which destruction itself becomes the foundation from which Christ builds His salvation.  I’ve got plenty of destruction to work with.  I’m glad that He is big enough and good enough to turn it into overflowing redemption.  

I'm doing okay these days.  I'm happy.  I've got a lot to work through still, but I am full of hope.  And God is closer than ever.  I am still confident of this, I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  He is good.  He is faithful.  He restores all things.  May He redeem my broken story, and yours.  I believe He can, and He will. 

Peace to you all, in your brokenness and His redemption, and much love, deep and everlasting.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Breaking The Silence (Sort Of)

Hey friends!  Long time no blog.  I've missed you all!  It's time to break the silence, but there's some important steps that need to come first, including another LOVEboldly leadership (and anyone else who's interested in finding out what we're about) meeting.

I want to direct you to our facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/2LOVEboldly

Go "like" our page so you can stay up to date with what's going on.

And also, SUPER IMPORTANT, if you are interested in becoming involved (as a volunteer or in leadership role with LOVEboldly), please plan to attend (or skype in) for our next meeting.  In order to schedule a meeting at a time that works for everyone, I've started a survey on our facebook page.

So...

1.  Go "like" us on facebook (This is very important, even if we are already "friends" on facebook, because I will be making some changes to social media settings and you might get left out if you aren't on the LOVEboldly page specifically).
2.  Fill out the survey on the homepage so we can get the next meeting scheduled (I'm stoked!  Are you stoked?!)
3.  Pray for the next meeting - I will be filling you all in on what's been up (including an announcement on why there's been such a dead silence out here for the last several months).
4.  Get excited - we will be making some plans and brainstorming for the next several months.

I like all of you.  So I hope you will "like" me (on facebook at least, if not in real life)!  :)

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Call For Entries

You must think I've forgotten about all of you!  I haven't.

I do want you all to know that you will experience a silence for some time from me.  A personal issue has arisen that has been rather demanding on my energy and time.  However, I am not deterred - you will hear from me again.  It may be several months before I am able to post, however.

Given the situation, I am putting out there a call for entries!  If you like to write, and are a good writer, are open to honest feedback, and have something to say regarding faith and sexuality, leave me a comment here or on our facebook page.  Someone will get in touch with you for submission information.  If you write something that is good enough to post with minor edits, we'll go ahead and put it up in my absence.

In the meantime, continue the call to LOVE boldly.  Talk to you all again soon!

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Anonymity - Good or Bad?

Well, here it is - the long avoided post about anonymity.

When I first started this blog, my hope was that, through allowing anonymous comments, we would be able to hear voices that otherwise might be reticent to ask questions or seek help.  And so, I allowed for "anonymous" comments.  Unfortunately, over the last several months, this idea of anonymity hasn't really worked out the way I had intended it.  Instead of attracting people who felt afraid to ask questions or seek help, it seems to have been attracting readers who want to make a strongly worded comment (usually very negative) but who don't want to identify themselves.

I truly am not offended by people that have concerns, problems, or irritations with what we're doing here.  Honestly, I'm not.  People that are offended by our message are the very reason that this group exists.  Safe places are necessary in these conversations, and each person is entitled to his/her opinion and convictions.  I embrace and welcome that.  I see great value in the variety of perspectives, opinions, theological persuasions, etc. and I think it's all a part of the bigger vision we are working towards.  Nevertheless, I've been noticing that it seems to be that only the people who disagree heartily (one way or another) with what I've said (or, more frequently, what they've perceived I have said) that are using the Anonymous button.  There is a second issue that has arisen as well - the limitation of having several "Anonymous" people post comments all on the same blog post.  It gets confusing when I'm trying to respond to the comments individually. 

With all that in mind, and after some soul-searching, prayer, and thoughtfulness, I've made a decision.  In order that that I might be enabled to respond effectively to both people who love what we're doing, and people who despise it, and also to encourage some accountability for people "owning" the criticisms they submit, I've disabled the "Anonymous" commenting.  If we're going to have helpful dialogue, we should at least be able to address one another by screen name, if nothing else.  And if you feel strongly about something, I think you should feel strongly enough about it that you tell me your name, or at least a screen name.  Comments will continue to be unfiltered and unmoderated, unless things get out of hand.  I remain committed to publishing all comments, unless they become hateful and/or slanderous.  I won't hesitate to delete those but everything else is fair game!  And, just so you know, to date I've not had to delete any comments.

I think I've set it up correctly so that everyone can still comment, but you will have to provide a username of sorts.  If anyone is having trouble commenting, please let me know.  In fact, leave me a comment on this post if you would, just so I know you all are still out there.  I hope this doesn't offend anyone, but unfortunately the conversation is not effective the way it was setup previously, and it is time to correct course.  The second half of our name is "Risk Offense" so I guess I'm taking my own advice as I make this change.

So leave some love.  Or some hate.  Either one, let's hear 'em both.  But leave me your name too.  :) 

Meeting Notes - 4/25/11

Many of you have asked for an update on how our first meeting went, what was discussed, how you can get involved, etc.  Well, take a look at the notes below.  It will (hopefully) tell you everything you need to know about what we need, where we're heading, and how you can help!

Thanks to everyone who came out this week!  What a blessing to share this with others who are so excited about this vision!  Much love to you all!


LOVE boldly Meeting Notes
04/25/2011
Blog
-        Frequency: would like to have at least one new entry posted per week
-        Good writers and good quality posts needed
-        Have to be willing to let Heidi edit entries
Small Groups
-        For those who are working to reconcile their faith and sexual orientation and are feeling the need for support, encouragement, and resources towards that goal
-        Need place to have it
o   Wilmore is preferred but not on campus
-        We should not call it a college group, should be open to all ages
-        Need safe, agenda-less people to help lead it and people to help advertise, champion, and support the vision
-        Will use various discussion starters, including watching videos/documentaries on issues related to faith and sexuality
o   GCN’s “Through My Eyes”
o   Show films from both perspectives and discuss the range of opinions on the various topics of interest
Gay Pride
-        We want to partner with another church or ministry
o   Financial support from churches and/or other ministries could help us fund the outreach
o   Could share the booth as two separate groups trying to be loving towards the LGBT community
-        Needs: Tent to cover booth in case of rain
o   Volunteers needed all day
-        T-shirts and/or signs with apology on it
-        Hand out water?
Seminars
-        Present to churches/faith communities who have a conservative view of the Scriptures that address homosexuality
o   Intention is not to change their minds
o   Teach them how to serve the LGBT community in love and meet practical needs, even if their convictions are that same-sex sexual activity is wrong in God’s eyes
-        Venues needed to present these seminars
o   Conferences
o   Churches – both gay affirming and/or conservative
o   Would like to have one at Asbury Seminary
Other Needs
-        Prayer Support
-        Fundraising
o   Needed for events, materials, education, travel, etc.
o   Small donations from many people might be easier than large donors
o   Grant writing – need someone who is experienced/skilled
-        Marketing Materials
o   Identity materials – Website, business cards, etc.
o   Flyers for events
o   Someone to handle publicity, advertising, etc.
-        Organizational Structuring
o   Two options:
§  Option 1 - Become our own non-profit
·       Would need to talk to an accountant and probably a lawyer
·       Is a long and expensive process
§  Option 2 - Partner with another non-profit (come underneath their umbrella)
·       We will be reticent to form alliances – must be with trustworthy organizations and individuals; will not jump into this quickly but would like to entertain it as a viable option
·       Not willing to partner with a church or with a gay-affirming organization; needs to be a neutral organization of some sort; otherwise, we will alienate one side or the other
·       Discussion around whether it would be possible to form alliance with two organizations/churches – one pro-gay and one traditionally minded Christian, in order to balance alliances; could be an option, but will be difficult to find two organizations willing to participate in such a way
-        Leadership
o   Board of Directors will be necessary eventually
o   Hope to find at least 2 mentors (each with differing opinions on the theological issues), to impart wisdom, support in prayer, help champion our efforts, and help strike balance in everything we do
o   If you are interested in being a part of leadership, feel free to express that to Heidi, but only if you are willing to be turned down without feelings being hurt; leaders will be chosen deliberately and cautiously, and only after demonstrating trustworthiness with this cause and the sensitivity of the issues that surround it

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Launch Meeting!

Hello friends!
Many of you have expressed an interest in getting involved in the work of building safe environments to discuss sexual orientation and faith so here's your chance!

We are gathering on Monday, April 25th at 7:30 PM.  If you are local to the Lexington, KY area, and want to hear what we're about, why we're doing what we're doing, and how you can get involved, leave a comment with a way to contact you (phone or email), and I will get you the address for where the meeting will be held! This is an informational/planning and launch meeting so come with your calendars if you want to get involved in planning/launching our first events.

Know someone else that might be interested? Invite them too!  Looking forward to seeing you there!

Monday, April 4, 2011

What's Happening - April

April.  It's April.  It's April?!

I've been rather quiet lately and I promise, it's not for lack of dedication.  Working full-time, doing school half-time and trying to be somewhat of a semblance of a normal, well-adjusted person just doesn't leave a lot of time for the things I love to do - like blog.  I've been wanting to write posts, itching to write them, but over the past few months I have sensed God calling me to focus more on some things developing "behind the scenes" so to speak.  But alas, I have been far too absent.  I decided today that even if I don't have time to come up with brilliant, provocative, encouraging, inspiring posts, I must post nonetheless and tell you what things are happening.  And so, the "What's Happening" post strikes again.

First, readership is growing.  Weird, seeing as how I haven't been writing.  But hey, I'll take it.  I'm glad you are all reading, and I'm glad you're telling your friends to read too.  Keep doing that!  I hope that somehow my words encourage you, bring you hope, or inspire you to reach to someone you didn't know how to reach to before, or open your heart to someone who is worthy of your trust. 

Second, though I haven't been writing on here very much, I have been writing.  I am in the throes of developing seminars for churches and faith organizations (especially traditional evangelical organizations with a traditional view of the Scriptures that address homosexuality).  The topic would be basic training and education on how to go about engaging the LGBT community in a way that is loving and serving, without feeling the need to sacrifice convictions.  I'm not sure what this is going to look like in the end.  I've completed a very rough draft at this point and it looks to be somewhere around 2.5 hours of teaching and I'm still filling in the holes.  There's still much work to do and I am considering creating a much smaller version (perhaps an hour-ish in length) to share with some churches first.  Then, everyone who says, "Hey that chick has something worthwhile to share and I wanna know more" can come to the super-awesome half-day seminar (or, the way it's going, it may end up being a whole-day seminar) that will be more in depth.  Or something like that.  Who knows?  It is my hope though, to start teaching this stuff within the next month or two.  So, if you know a church or faith organization that wants some training on how to engage the LGBT community, well, tell them wonderful things about me.  And then contact me and give me their information.

Third, I have been reading and researching, as always.  Right now I am reading Andrew Marin's "Love is an Orientation" book for the second time.  The first time I read it, I was getting educated.  That was 2 years ago.  This second time that I'm working through it is different.  I find myself relating to the stories he shares and saying, "Yeah, I've met people like this with similar stories."  I find myself relating to his story more personally as well, having now personally encountered some of the same challenges and obstacles that he mentions.  It really is a must-read for any evangelical Christian who wants to understand how to build friendships with those in the LGBT community.  A warning though - it will break your heart and change you forever.  Beware.  

I've also been reading lots of other books and articles on the therapy options available for those who are experiencing difficulty coming to terms with their same-sex attraction.  This has been...interesting.  The range of emotions that I experience while reading about the options available is, well...diverse.  I travel from totally infuriated to totally hopeful in a matter of minutes sometimes.  I can't help but get really "mama-bear-ish" when I read about the ways people have suffered spiritual abuse at the hands of well-intentioned, poorly qualified/educated Christians who have not dealt with the issue ethically, appropriately, or compassionately.  And yes, by "mama-bear-ish" I mean, "I will growl at you and destroy you if you try that again on someone I love. (Growl growl. Bare my teeth!)"

The good news is that there are some good things out there and I have particularly been enjoying reading about Sexual Identity Therapy, which is actual therapy (counseling by a mental health professional) and is gaining some endorsement by key members of the American Psychological Association.  Rather than seeking to change orientation, it provides a supportive and encouraging environment for clients who are experiencing difficulty integrating their religious values with their sexual identity.  It creates space for the client to determine their values, and for the therapist to assist the client in reaching congruence between his/her values and his/her sexuality.  If you want to know more, you can read more here: http://tinyurl.com/3qwe6f2.  Ideally, I'd really like to write an article (or perhaps a book someday) on the implications (ethical, moral, spiritual, and social) of the various forms of therapy available for those encountering same-sex attraction, and offer critique of the various organizations offering the different models, their measures of efficacy, etc.  But, that's for another day, or probably, another year.  Oh pipe dreams!

One other thing I have been doing is intentionally building relationships.  I've been meeting with people at my Seminary and the University across the street, in hopes of garnering support for some of the events I have in the works.  One of the things I'm working towards is starting a small-group to discuss topics of faith and sexual orientation in a non-threatening way.  I want to get this started asap but we are still seeking the right venue to hold it at - a place where people from the college, the seminary, and the community at large can all feel comfortable coming somewhat anonymously.  Additionally, I'm hoping that I can advertise the event on both campuses, but will need to go through the proper channels to get that approved, which could take some time.

I've also been immersing myself in the LGBT community, attending LGBT events, etc. here in Lexington to build new relationships.  I went to a drag show a few weeks ago with my husband and a friend of his from work.  It was not my first time seeing drag, but it was my first time sitting through an entire show, which was a good experience.  We went because one of our friends was performing.  I know it meant a lot to him that we came.  I also was thrilled to have the opportunity to visit the local LGBT support group in Lexington.  I got to make some new friends, which is always wonderful.  I was grateful for how welcoming and friendly they were to the one straight girl in the room!

Lastly, I am working towards a presence at the Lexington Pride festival.  I am going outside of my skin with excitement.  I'd really like to have a booth where we offer apologies for how the church has hurt the LGBT community and hand out free food/drinks to bless and serve those that are at the event.  My goal is to show them that, despite the ugly signs and protesters, God doesn't hate them, he actually thinks they're pretty amazing.

So, that is what is UP.  Whew, I'm worn out just re-counting all of that.  Please be praying!  There is much that is 'in the works' right now and my prayer is that God would bring it all to fruition in His timing.  It has been really neat to see how God is bringing together a group of people around me who are equally excited and dedicated to building these safe environments to discuss faith and sexual orientation.  I can't wait to see what happens next!  Until next time....LOVE BOLDLY.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Healing

This post has absolutely nothing to do with sexual orientation.  But it has everything to do with faith.  I didn't mean to write this - it happened by accident.  I was supposed to write a 2 page paper on how I was going to work on my healing and spiritual growth.  Instead, this is what came out of me - a 3 page paper on how God has worked on my healing and spiritual growth.  My last post was on brokenness.  I felt like this story about healing would be a good follow-up.  To be honest, I hesitated to post it here.  But I want us to be able to talk about things that are important to us - and sometimes that just deals with life in general.  I hope you gain hope, strength, and belief from my story - no matter what part of the story you find yourself in.  So without further ado, here it is, a story of healing:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the midst of pain and brokenness, all you can think to do is to beg God for relief, to plead with him to take it away, and to implore him to bring you the healing that you so desperately need.  You lay there, in the battlefield, as gunshots ring around you, totally wounded and destroyed, completely unable to move, watching as you bleed uncontrollably, and you call out to him, “Lord, where are you?  What did I do to deserve this?  Help me here!  I’m dying.  Come to my rescue!” 

He is silent.  You are bleeding out.  Confusion sets in.  You start hallucinating, seeing and hearing things that aren’t real.  Your mind is shutting down.  You are dying, and you know it.  And you wonder where He has gone, when you need him the most.

And then it happens.  Suddenly He arrives.  He sweeps in.  There’s a faint recognition that he is speaking as he tends to you, but you can’t hear him. You’re losing consciousness and everything is echoing and overlapping now.  His lips are moving but you can’t understand the words. Nothing is registering.  You are blank, blank, blank. 

Suddenly, you are awakened, jolted. You can feel again.  PAIN.  It courses through your body - excruciating pain, as he scrapes clean your wounds and dresses them.  Adrenaline kicks in and anger overcomes you.   You lunge at him.  You punch and kick and scream and claw at him, demanding him to stop, begging him to leave.  Crying and screaming you unleash yourself at him, “What kind of a God are you anyway, that shows up at the last minute, only to deliver more pain?  You could have saved me long ago, before things got this bad.  It’s to late now and the pain is to great – just leave me alone.  Just let me die!“  But he has already finished it – the healing balm is in place now.  And in His great mercy, he releases you from his hold, though not from his gaze.  Gently he lays you down.  He sets you in a safe place and sits back, waiting for the process to complete.  He waits at a distance, because He knows you are suffering in your hurt, and anger, and violation.  He knows you can’t bear his presence because it is a reminder of the pain, it is a reminder of all the moments He wasn’t there.  He waits, patiently.  And you lay there, weeping and crying, miserable, utterly alone, wishing for it all to end.

But it doesn’t. Now and again, He sweeps in, so swiftly and lightly that you don’t even notice it, to redress your wounds, quickly, deftly.  He withdraws again, just enough for you to feel safe, but close enough to watch over you.  Time passes.  The balm is working.  “Maybe I’m going to recover,” you think.  And then, without hesitation, “No, surely not.  This is the end of things.”  You glance over at him, furtively.  You can’t fool him.  He scoots in closer.  You wonder if you dare look again.  When it seems He is distracted, you venture a longer scrutinizing look, you’re watching skeptically, untrustingly, examining his every move.  He catches you.  He moves in closer.  You’re not sure when or how it happens, but eventually you realize He is sitting right next to you.  You can feel his presence now.  You feel his warmth, and his breath and his power, like an invisible force field pulsing around you.  You are compelled.  Strong enough now, you sit up.  You turn to Him.  You are gazing at Him now.  You can’t help yourself.  “He’s beautiful.” you think to yourself.

You sit there together, cross-legged, knees touching, looking at each other, face-to-face, gazing into each other’s eyes.  Silently you fight him, but you can’t help it.  You lose yourself in Him.  A rush of strength you have never known rips free inside of you.  Something has changed.  It is mounting - something terrible is about to happen, you can feel it.  But you are glued to him – you cannot break His gaze.  And suddenly it happens – you feel the explosion tear through you as the force of His goodness shatters everything.  You are crushed. 

You don’t remember moving but suddenly you are on you’re your knees, face to the dirt, before Him.  His gaze has destroyed your defenses.  Gut-wrenching sobs pour out of your mouth, your heart, your soul.  “What have I done to deserve such a mercy as this?  Why has he risked everything for me, coming into the battlefield, sacrificing himself?  For me?  For my rescue?  His divine hands are stained with my blood.  Why would he dirty himself for me?  I screamed and swore and told him to go away.  He came to me and he touched me and he healed me.  What have I done to deserve his love, his favor, his kindness?”

You want to die anew.  You want to kill everything bad inside of you.  The gratitude, the indebtedness you feel, is overwhelming.  There is nothing you can do to repay such a debt, to right the injustice of the mercy he has delivered.  You sit at his feet, weeping, weeping, weeping as it sets in – he did this for you, with what benefit to Himself?  He didn’t have to.  He shouldn’t have wanted to.  But he did, he did, he did.  He did it, he wanted to, he was delighted to.  And there are no words left – absolutely none.  Only tears.

He was.  He is.  He is to come.  Holy and anointed one of God, he shed His blood for me, for you, for us - a broken, wounded, confused people.  He stained his hands with my blood as he healed my wounds.  Mercifully, graciously, tenderly he dealt with me.  Faithfully, carefully, deliberately he delivered his presence to me.  Humbly, devotedly, resolutely I am compelled by his great mercy to serve Him now and forever.
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So what about you?  What part of the story are you in?  Take faith, and hope, and courage.  He is still working.  He is still present.  He is still good.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Brokenness

"Broken" is a word that is often used, particularly by evangelical straight Christians, to describe the LGBT community.  What do evangelical Christians mean when they call gays "broken"?  How does the LGBT community feel about being called "broken"?  And what does God say about this issue of brokenness?

It's been my experience that the word "broken" is used to describe the LGBT community for several reasons.  Some might use the word "broken" because they believe there is something wrong with a person who experiences same-sex attraction.  Many evangelical Christians believe that anyone who is LGBT must have experienced sexual abuse at some point in his/her life, or perhaps a distant relationship with one/both of his/her parents, or some other trauma that has occurred that has caused the same-sex attraction.  Other people may use the word "broken" to describe the LGBT community because of the false belief that a person with same-sex attraction inevitably is characterized by alcohol, drug, and/or sex addictions, casual sex and promiscuity, and other illegal and unhealthy behaviors.  And some just say it because they believe that same-sex attraction is a sin and a sign of separation from God.  Along with this "brokenness" people say that LGBT individuals need "healing", insinuating that there is something inherently wrong or wounded about them.  Unfortunately, this type of language goes a long way towards making those within the LGBT community feel shamed and demeaned. 

There is nothing offensive to me about maintaining and asserting conviction on sexual morality/ethics - I think it extremely important to have a firm grasp on the topic.  What troubles me however is that when I hear language like this, I sense an undertone of condescension paired with an undergirding belief that people who experience same-sex attraction are inferior.  And truly, who wouldn't feel patronized by a perfect stranger telling you that you are "broken" and "need healing"?

With that said, I don't know that I can fairly respond to the accuracy of the stereotypes I've listed above because it demands some scholarly citation and unfortunately, I just don't have the time to do it justice at this point.  But I will say that if you've done your research, and if you've talked with people who are part of the LGBT community, you will see that there are some individuals that reinforce the stereotypes, and there are others who don't.  In fact, I think many evangelical Christians would be truly surprised by the number that do not.  If you could meet the people I know, you would know that there are many good-hearted, moral, relationally-gifted people who experience same-sex attraction and who identify as part of the LGBT community.  And some of them even love, follow, and serve Jesus daily.  So in response to the stereotypes I will say this - yes, there are some people who are responsible for them, but it is only fair to note that there are also many "heterosexuals" who are characterized by alcohol, drug, and sex addictions, casual sex and promiscuity, and other illegal and unhealthy behaviors.  A person's orientation does not indicate the extent of his/her morality or religious commitment.

But let's get back to the topic at hand - what can we make of this term - "broken"?  As I said before, I find it harmful to call a person "broken" (really, it feels like name-calling to me), yet at the same time, I am struck by this term because it is the very word I so often use to describe myself.  The truth is we are all hot messes!  I think it would be best if we would all just own up to it and admit that we know what it feels like to experience pain that forever alters us.  While I don't think it's helpful to call each other broken, I do think it's important to realize our own brokenness.  At the core of our humanness, there is a profound longing to belong, to be loved, to be known, and to feel presence in our most desperate and ugly moments.  We all have had moments where we've sat in unspeakable pain, hiding our shame, suffering quietly with our debilitating depression, feelings of failure, and crushing emptiness.  We force our fingers down our throats so we will feel lovable and in control again, we cut ourselves because we feel we deserve the pain, we bury our pain and lonliness in an addiction – to a drug, to a bottle, to a relationship.  We make our schedules full so we will feel important.  We stifle our pain and we disguise it so everyone will see our perfect life, our perfect family, our perfect 5-year plan.  Someone asks us how we are doing – we say “fine!”  Someone asks us what is new – we say “not much really!”

What a mess we all are!   Let’s face it – we are all broken!  It is part of the human condition.  If any of you are not "broken" you have not lived.  We all want someone to break through all the JUNK for us, to rescue us and tell us to stop hurting ourselves, tell us we are worthwhile, tell us they won’t leave us like everyone else has.  We all want someone to believe in us when we don’t believe in ourselves anymore, someone to reach to us when we feel completely lost and alone, someone who will chase after us even while we run away, someone to call our bluff when we pretend we’re fine, someone to break through the walls we keep constructing at the smallest inkling of a threat.   We long for someone to pledge to us their presence, their unconditional love, their reckless pursuit of us.

Broken.
Broken.
Broken.

We are all broken.

The good news is that there is an answer.  True communion with God and with each other will restore our hearts, our communities, our churches, and our world.  It will be hard to achieve and it requires us to listen, respond, risk, and grow – but it’s worth it.  It is in our communion with one another that we experience an incarnational form of love that God offers us.  It is powerful, healing, restorative, and transformational.  Instead of calling one another "broken" let's live with each other in our pain, realizing that none of us fully understand how to be like Him, or how to receive the belonging and fellowship that he has to offer us.  And yet, somehow in community with one another, we experience glimpses of the perfect oneness that God wants us to have with him.  This kind of communion is threatening, and challenging, and difficult, and terrifying. But it is the hope we hold to in the midst of our brokenness.  It is the hope we land in when we come to the end of ourselves and when we see that there is no more we can do, no further effort we can make, no further clarity we can gain, no further strength we can muster.  It happens when He sweeps in and reminds us that we don't need to try to fix things, because he already has.  We can rest our brokenness in Him. 

For some, the process of reconciling faith and same-sex attraction is one of those dark hidden places, a process laced with deep confusion, paralyzing fear, heart-breaking rejection, overwhelming conflicting voices, and severe pain.  When we see a person going through a time like this, we ought to remember the pains we have experienced, and the need we have had for the presence and strength of God, and of others, to pull us through.  May we never waste a pain!  May our brokenness allow us to comfort one another with new depth and sincerity.  And may we find our strength in Him when we realize there is none left in ourselves.  If we can remember these things, we will seize the opportunity to become incarnational to one another in the midst of our great pain, as God calls us to.

2 Corinthians 1:3-5 
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.

I'd like to close by living up to the challenge I have just issued to you.  I have been in a lot of pain over the past several years, and God has at times felt completely distant.  He is faithful though, and he is the only one who can bring  me the healing I need.  Over the past two weeks, I have been meditating on a passage that Brother Lawrence, a great Father of our faith, wrote in his "The Practice of the Presence of God"  It speaks to the brokenness in me, and I pray that it will speak to your area of brokenness as well.  He says:

"I imagine myself as the most wretched of all, full of sores and sins, and one who has committed all sorts of crimes against his king.  Feeling a deep sorrow, I confess to him all of my sins, I ask his forgiveness, and I abandon myself into his hands so that he may do with me what he pleases.  This king, full of mercy and goodness, very far from chastening me, embraces me with love, invites me to feast at his table, serves me with his own hands, and gives me the key to his treasures.  He converses with me, and takes delight in me, and treats me as if I were his favorite."

Remember today, that this King is full of mercy and goodness, and very far from chastening you, he delights in you, as if you were his favorite.

Much love.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

GCN Conference - My Final Thoughts

I haven't done the GCN Conference justice yet so I hope to remedy that tonight.  I have struggled to write this post because, frankly, I don't know where to begin.  It was so beautiful, so touching, so encouraging and inspiring in so many ways.  I will just break it down into some focused (hopefully) general topics:

An overall analysis
The general sessions
The workshops
The relationships
A summary of everything

An Overall Analysis
This was the first year I've attended the GCN Conference and I have vowed to never miss it again.  My attendance there was one of the most spiritually and personally significant experiences of my life.  I was a little hesitant going into the weekend, not sure what to expect or what I would experience.  I wasn't sure how welcome I would be as a straight ally, if I would be able to build friendships easily, etc.  In reality, I was probably pretty concerned that people would demand to know my beliefs and stances on everything - conversations I don't like to engage at a first point of meeting.  Another thing I was unsure about was whether the conference would be about indoctrinating everyone to think or believe one particular thing about homosexuality.  I don't find those types of experiences to be particularly helpful personally, or for bringing reconciliation between the church and the LGBT community, so I was a bit hesitant, but very curious nonetheless.

To be brutally honest, I went into the weekend with a lot of prejudices.  It doesn't matter that I've spent years hanging out in the LGBT community.  All of the reading and research in the world still sometimes leaves you with pockets of ridiculous unfounded beliefs and fears that hide in dark corners and wait for the right moment to slither out.  I laugh at myself now.  Oh my own bigotry!  I think there was a part of me that somehow expected that wild "gay agenda" to be a part of the weekend.  I expected people to try to change me, argue with me, tell me what to believe and why, and become offended when I would refuse to share my personal beliefs and convictions.  (Trust me, sometimes it is so darn TEMPTING to share my opinions.  It would make it so much easier that way, but easy doesn't make it wise.)  So, in summary, I guess I was bracing myself for the possibility that people may 1) be offended by me 2) try to influence me to adopt their perspectives 3) reject me personally 4) be insincere in their desire to follow the Lord.

Wrong, wrong, wrong, and wrong!  I have never in my life been so wrong!  Instead of all of those things, I was encouraged, blessed, challenged, and embraced.  I was truly struck by the sincerity of sacrificial worship in our times together, the depth of relationships that developed (in just a short 48 hours), and the honesty, and wholeness, and holiness that marked the paths of those I came in contact with.

One of the things I hadn't anticipated was that I'd be mistaken for a lesbian.  I'm pretty sure I should have expected that.  It seems logical right?  I'm at a gay conference - why wouldn't people think I'm a lesbian?  It didn't bother me at all - actually, it weirdly made me feel honored because people automatically assumed I "belonged" in a sense.  Throughout the weekend though, I'd refer to my husband naturally in conversation without even thinking about it, and then I'd realize that people were looking at me in utter confusion.  The conversation would go something like this...

"Wait...did you say your husband?"
"Yes, I'm straight."
"Oh.  (pause)  Are you here with someone?"
"Nope."
"So...why are you here?"
[Insert me sharing briefly why I love the LGBT community and my call to help the work of reconciliation.]

Dumbfounded silence.

What followed the silence was beautiful.  It was so emotional, a moment of pure holiness in our conversations.  People's eyes would go soft.  I could literally see something inside of them turn towards me.  Some would ask me why I would care enough to do this - to travel all this way, alone, to come and be there with them for the weekend.  Some would wonder why I would paint a target on myself, take on the risk of rejection by my peers and faith community, by choosing to stand with them.  Some were lost for words - they would just say things like "You're awesome" and then stand there with a look of hunger in their eyes, as if they just glimpsed something they had been looking for their entire lives.  All of them thanked me, with such sincerity in their voices, with such a humility, they thanked me profusely for caring, for being there, for speaking on their behalf to people and communities that they felt abandoned by.  I was forever changed by these conversations, and forever humbled.  Something was stirred deep within me.  Something was disturbed in me, that even this small gesture of love and support was so foreign to them.  They reached to me with their words, with their eyes, with their souls, with their arms.  They hugged on me and loved on me.  It was beautiful.  Something big happened in my heart through these conversations - something life changing,  something with the scent of God's presence and transformation, something beautiful and terrible and terrifying and wonderful.

The General Sessions
The worship times at GCN were absolutely transformational for me.  The first one was on Thursday night.  I had the pleasure of meeting and conversing with three lesbian women that night.  We had such a great conversation and such a great connection that they invited me to sit with them for the worship.  I was glad to have someone to tag along with.  As I worshiped next to these women, and in the midst of 400 gay Christians, I was in awe.  These people were so sincere in their love for the Lord.  I could hear it in their voices as they sang.  In fact, I sensed a level of sincerity, surrender, and humility before the Lord in our worship times that I haven't experienced in a church in years.  I was astounded!  Gone were all the stereotypes I had brought along with me.  It was an amazing thing to just worship God together.  The next morning God really shook me during the general session.  I sat alone, and I'm glad of it, because I wept and wept the entire time we sang together.  I wept because it became so clear to me as we sang (songs like "I could sing of your love forever" and "Blessed be your name" and "Nothing but the blood") that this beautiful group of people knew what it meant to live a life of sacrifice for Christ that most of us never could understand.  So many of these people had been cast out of their churches and had experienced unspeakable pain in the name of Christ.  So many of them had tried to change their orientations for Christ.  They were willing to sacrifice everything to honor him.  So many of them had experienced such an extreme faith crisis that, had it been me, I likely would have thrown the towel in and told God to just forget it because the sacrifice and the confusion would be too much.  But they didn't.  They kept going.  Their love for the Lord drove them to His feet.  God overwhelmed me with a sense of this during worship on Friday morning and I wept.  I wept because I have sacrificed so little for the Lord, and have been angry and bitter when he's asked the little of me that he has.  I wept because I sensed God's love and favor and mercy on a group of people who are trying to make sense of things.  I wept because these people didn't choose their orientations, but they chose Jesus - and the church hates them for it.  I wept because even in the midst of all the painful experiences present in that room, those beautiful people chose to believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are deeply, truly, passionately indebted and bound to Jesus, no matter what.  It was magnificent.  Justin, the executive director of GCN, put it so well when he said "Many people reconcile their faith and sexuality by dialing back the faith.  That never seemed like a good option to me.  I was the kid with a Bible in my backpack all the time."  Justin, like many others at the conference, has not sacrificed his love for the Lord, or for Scripture, in his quest to reconcile his sexual orientation and his faith.  And there were many more like him.

The speakers were great as well during the main sessions.  Philip Yancey was particularly inspiring.  He spoke of how one's sin and temptation are the very thing that push us toward Christ, force us to rely on Him, even in our weakest of moments.  He spoke of God's reconciliation and forgiveness and grace.  He gave voice to the reason I had spent the worship time in tears when he said, "There's no advantage to you, as LGBT, to worship God.  You are just asking for hatred from your fellow believers." 

I have to share with you two more of my favorite quotes from the weekend:

Philip Yancey - "The greatest danger is not that you will fail, but that when you do fail, you will be cast down by shame, rejection, and a belief that you cannot reach God's grace."

Justin Lee - "What a horrible state of affairs if people can't go to their churches when they're feeling so alone that they want to kill themselves."

The Workshops
The workshops were great, but honestly, I only went to two of them (and part of a third).  By Saturday, I really sensed the Lord showing me that I should focus more on building relationships than attending formal workshops.  The two I went to were excellent, however.  The first one was "Understanding and Supporting our LGBT Friends and Family."  I was really touched to hear each person at that breakout session share why they were there.  Some of the stories were really heartbreaking.  Several people admitted they came just because they wanted to have hope that their straight friends and family members could love them again someday, or want to understand and support them.  I believe the leader of the session, Kathy Baldock, provided this insightful instruction (but forgive me Kathy if I've misquoted you):

"When you love and care for those on the edges of society, you will grow in mercy, and grace, and compassion.  And there is no better spiritual qualities to have.  You will look and smell like Jesus."

I want to look and smell like Jesus.

The second workshop I went to was "Engaging the Evangelical Church" and it was fantastic.  I am still processing it.  There was quite a lot of education and evaluation that went on during this session - a really valuable time.  The thing that struck me the most during our time together was a discussion that took place in which the attendees examined with the workshop leader how they might be able to respond with Christ's love to those in the church who had dealt them hatred and pain in the name of Christ.  I sat in my seat totally baffled.  This was the one and only "gay agenda" present at the conference.  The spirit of the people was strikingly, "How can we be more like Jesus, even when we are hurt and abused in his name?"  I was totally awestruck.  How often do I seek Christ like that, willingly wanting to respond in love when someone wrongs me?  The discussions during this workshop in particular, and in many of my personal conversations, centered on how to be more centered on Christ, more submissive to his authority, seeking his holiness ever more.  It was beautiful, and convicting.

The Relationships
This was the funnest part of the weekend, and one that I really truly miss.  In two nights I got 7 hours of sleep - total.  I couldn't tear myself away from the people I had met.  The fellowship we had over meals and into the wee hours of the morning every night was incredible.  There was such a sense of acceptance and love in the friendships I made.  One of my fondest memories of the weekend was lunch on Friday, when I met several of the people I now count as dear friends.  We spent the first half of our time together laughing, bantering, joking, and having a good time.  The conversation took a turn as we got our food and I had the opportunity to share why I was at the conference, the calling I feel on my heart to develop non-threatening environments to talk about faith and sexual orientation, and the love I have for the LGBT community.  I was so humbled as one after another, each of them affirmed me, encouraged me, and spoke words of blessing, acceptance, love, and appreciation over me.  It was such a precious, holy moment as God knit our hearts to one another.  We shared openly about our struggles, our vulnerable spots, and our love for one another - no holds barred.  It was the kind of intimate conversation you usually only get the chance to experience with people you've known for years, not hours.  It was heart-warming and stunning.  The rest of the weekend was filled with conversations, one after another, about how we could grow to be more like the Lord, what we could do to reflect him better, and sharing with one another about the amazing work He's done in our hearts and lives. 

A Summary of Everything
As you can imagine, this conference was overwhelming.  The thing that was most striking of all though was that, although it was a gathering of LGBT individuals, the focus wasn't so much about sexual orientation as it was about Jesus.  Everything was so centered on how to be faithful followers of Christ in all areas of one's life, not just in sexual orientation.  These are the kinds of conversations I think are so important.  When we reduce a person to his/her sexual orientation, we miss the beauty of his/her personhood.  There is so much more to a person than orientation - there are hopes and dreams,  insecurities and fears, victories and passions, beliefs and convictions.  I suppose, at the heart of things, that is what I loved about the GCN conference - it did not diminish any person or any conviction.  Instead, it focused on the things that united us all - our faith in the almighty God, his Son who was sent to pay the price for our sins, His worthiness to be praised and honored, and His holiness that demands our lifelong gratitude, service, surrender, and allegiance.  It called on us to remember these things, and to take heed of them in our daily lives.  And it called us to them in a way that was affirming and challenging, generous and faithful, nurturing and open, with a dedication to living in the tension of disagreement with one another, in love.

That is why I will never miss another GCN Conference again.  I hope some of you will go with me next year.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Did They Choose It?

One thing I have come to realize is that there is some groundwork I have failed to lay.  Since I've been reading and thinking on these topics for years, I forget some of the most basic questions I had when I first started becoming acquainted with the LGBT community.  So, here's the biggie that perhaps some of you might still be asking.  And, if you've never investigated it, it'd be no wonder why you'd been disagreeing with virtually everything I've said thus far.

Does a person choose to be gay?

There are a very few precious things that I will assert on this blog with no room for dispute, but the answer to this question is one of them.  No.  No, they did not choose to "be gay".  Do some people choose to have homosexual relationships?  Yes.  But do people choose to feel attracted to members of their own sex?  No, absolutely not.  I assert this one has no wiggle room because:

1.)  Even the most conservative of theologians, psychologists, sociologists, etc. that are informed on the issue would not assert that someone "chooses" same-sex attraction. 
2.)  I don't see anything in Scripture that would indicate that someone would choose to feel attracted to members of their own sex.
3.)  I have met hundreds of people who deal with same-sex attraction and not one of them would say they "chose it"

There are a host of different theories on what "causes" same-sex attraction, including anything from poor parental relationships/bonding to being born with a genetic component that causes it.  Some of the theories, in my opinion, are a little crazy.  Others seem more viable.  One thing I feel pretty certain of is that it is "caused" by different things for different people.  Some people I've spoken with remember experiencing same-sex attraction before they ever knew what "gay" was, some of them as early as age 5 or younger.  Most LGBT people I have met would say that they think it's inborn.  A few (very few) have told me they feel that life events influenced their attractions.  But all of them, every last one of them, have told me that it has not been a matter of their own decision.  Afterall, why would someone ever choose to feel in a way that would cause them to become an outcast of their culture, their Church, their family, etc?  No one would want to experience that sort of pain!  I have met so many people that have shared heartbreaking stories with me of how they would lay in bed every night, crying themselves to sleep, begging God to take away their feelings for members of the same sex.  Day in and day out they worked to try to become attracted to the opposite sex, with no progress.  Some of them went through times of prayer and exorcisms at their church as people tried to cast out the spirit of homosexuality from them.  Many of them chose to go through reparative therapy (or conversion therapy) in attempts to change their sexual orientation.  Some of them spent years in these pursuits and still could not change the way they felt towards the same sex.

So no, sexual orientation is not a choice.  Sexual conduct is always a choice, but orientation?  Nope.  Not a choice.  It's probably for this reason that I feel so much compassion for the situation this community of people find themselves in.  I have thought to myself many times, "What if my love and attraction for my husband was the wrong orientation?  How would that feel to have the world tell me that what feels so natural and normal to me is wrong, perverted, disgusting?  How hard of a pill would that be to swallow?"  I'll tell you - it would be hard.  Near impossible even.  I'm not sure what I would do if I found myself in that situation.  I'm not sure how I would view Scripture, the Church, God, my faith in general.  It is a difficult spot that many find themselves in, trying to reconcile their faith and their orientation. 

Orientation, no matter what causes it, is not chosen.  But faith in Jesus is.  And I'm so thankful for those that experience same-sex attraction, but have chosen Jesus nonetheless - people like the great Christian writer and priest, Henri Nouwen.  There are so many more like him, many that I met this weekend.  They have a perspective on sacrificially following the Lord that many of us could not possibly grasp, because our road has been easier, because we have always had heterosexual attraction.

So, in summary.... 
Sexual relationships?  Chosen.
Sexual orientation?  Not chosen.

Friday, January 7, 2011

GCN Conference - Part Two

Where to even start?  I don't know how to narrow it down and at this point, and am feeling nearly brain dead, so I won't give a full report just yet because I know I wouldn't do it justice.  In time, over the next several weeks, I will share with you more in detail.  But for now, I just want to tell you about the thing that has struck me the most about being here, about the people I have been meeting, gay Christians.  (Keep in mind, when I use the term "gay Christians" in this post, I am referring to those present at this conference who identify as part of the LGBTQ community, and who have varying perspectives on what God requires of them - some are committed to celibacy, others to monogomous relationships, etc.)

I am floored by the sincerity of so many of the people I have met in their desire for the Lord, their love for Scripture, their pursuit to be more like Jesus, their passion for growing in their faith, their surrender to his leadership in their lives, and their longing to respond with Christ's humility, grace, and love to those who have mistreated and abused them.  I've asked myself (and I've asked them) why they still want anything to do with Jesus, with his Church, and with his leadership in their lives, when they have endured all that they have from their churches, their families, and other Christians (I don't think it would really encourage me to want to follow Christ if I had been treated as they have).  They respond with simple and profound answers - that serving Jesus isn't about the payoff, that following God is the only thing that there is for them, that their faith is not something they can remove, that God is bigger than their circumstances, that there is no other option but to follow Him.  I am so humbled when I hear how they have been kicked out of their churches, yet in the next breath they express how much they hunger for discipleship, accountability, reconciliation, and communities of people that will journey with them in their faith.

I have a pounding headache at the moment for all the tears that have been gathering up behind my eyes all day but I've not had a spare moment to just rest and reflect and let them pour out.  My heart has been totally destroyed and transformed as I've watched these people be true reflections of Christ to me and to each other this weekend.  They want Jesus just as much as me (a straight moderately-conservative Christian).  Experiencing same-sex attraction has not deterred or distracted their hunger for God.  If anything, it seems to have increased it.  Every conversation I've had over the past 24 hours has centered around how to be more like Jesus, what the Christian response has been (and could be) to gay Christians, and what we can do to start having these conversations outside of the realms of this weekend. 

I don't know what I expected going into this weekend, but I wasn't prepared to experience this.  I have seen the Church (capital C) at work, the way Christ intended it to work, in a way I don't know if I have ever experienced before in my life.  There is a general understanding that we all are works in progress, that many of us have differing interpretations of Scripture, but that we all love one another and want to grow together to be more like Him.  The desire to indoctrinate one another, to change each others' beliefs, or to "fix" one another is profoundly and beautifully lacking.  The devotion to love one another, share with one another, challenge one another, and to become more like Jesus outshines everything else.  The central focus of this weekend hasn't been about sexuality - it's been about becoming more like Him!

It's been only 24 hours.  My heart is broken, transformed, humbled, honored, encouraged, and overwhelmed with the goodness of our great God.

More to come soon...

Thursday, January 6, 2011

GCN Conference - Part One

I became acquainted with GCN (The Gay Christian Network) a few months ago.  GCN is a nonprofit ministry supporting Christians worldwide who experience same-sex attraction.  Keep in mind, the title "Gay Christian" does not necessarily mean someone who is homosexually active, but rather, a person of faith who is experiencing same-sex attraction.  Some members and supporters of GCN believe God calls gay Christians to live a life of celibacy in order to honor Him.  Others believe that God would not condemn monogomous life-long homosexual relationships.

GCN’s mission is actually similar to mine, to share Christ's light and love for all by impacting individuals, families, communities, churches, and the world.  I think GCN does a really good job of fairly presenting the myriad of beliefs on the topic of homosexuality.  They regard prayer and serious study of Scripture to be vitally important in belief formation, not only in regards to homosexuality, but as it relates to developing and growing in a healthy relationship with the Lord in every area.  As soon as I heard about their annual conference (happening this weekend) I felt God burdening me to go.  The conference will include workshops on a variety of topics such as the Bible and Homosexuality, Support for Parents, Prayer and Spiritual Growth, responding to Homophobia, Dealing with Depression, etc.   If you want to know more about GCN, check them out here.  I am very excited about attending and am hoping my time here will serve to further educate me on the issues and the varying perspectives of the LGBT community, as well as put me in touch with hundreds of people who are dealing with issues of faith and sexual orientation. 

I arrived in Denver around 10 AM this morning (Mountain Standard Time).  At the moment, I am biding my time until registration and the first general session begins.  I think there's a strong change of napping in my near future, but right now there is too much going through my head.  There are moments when I feel totally in my element, knowing this is the culmination of something that God has been doing in me for years, and the start of a new phase of serving him and building inroads to the LGBT community.  And then, there are moments when I think I must be out of my mind.  Mostly I am really excited to meet some new people, hopefully make some new friends, and be encouraged, challenged, and pushed in my pursuit of God, his truth, and his call on my heart.  Please keep me in your prayers this weekend.  My hope and prayer is that God would work in and through me, provide new vision and inspiration, and open new doors to reach into the LGBT community through this conference.

Stay posted!  I will be blogging throughout the weekend to update you on what's happening!